Confessions & Wisdom from an Aging Musician

Hi, my name is Tami and I am a musician. Now that 50 is in my rear view mirror, I often reminisce on my early music career versus where my life is now. Although I can’t say I could foresee where I would be at this stage in my life, I also can’t say I’m surprised. I remember debating as a senior year music major if I should go to grad school or seminary next. I chose grad school, but still dedicated my life to God and His glory. 

I don’t normally write blogs that are geared for musicians.  Perhaps this topic may be too niche for my usual audience? I’ve been contemplating writing a blog like this for a while - a way to honor my aging professional colleagues as well as cheer on the ones who are just getting started (like my son and my current or former students).

Although I’ll be addressing the professional music world, perhaps these principles can help guide you wherever you find yourself in your career.

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Linda & I playing for an Alton Symphony Orchestra Concert

So much of the music world centers around competition. Being the best flutist out of the dozens of flutists that have shown up for that same audition. Although healthy competition inspires hard work and the pursuit of excellence, it also can breed a debilitating inferiority complex, pride, and perfectionism. 

I remember being at an audition and feeling “less-than” while listening to others warm up with their lightning-fast tempos and impeccable articulation, hearing about their conservatory pedigree, or watching them pull out a $20,000 gold flute. And there I was, pulling out my trusty “Toyota Camry” quality flute, warming up, wishing in that moment that I was fancier than I was.

Losing an audition always stings - even if you expect it. And winning an audition is euphoric.

As I grew older and started having kids, my career focus shifted from classical music to the worship world. As that happened, I found myself playing the flute less and less, which made attempting an orchestral audition that much harder. (Though the unhealthy comparison game was still being played in my head way too often - just this time my competition was the “cool” church down the street. Perhaps a topic for another blog.)

I settled for subbing in orchestras, which worked better for a young mom of two littles whose presence in the evenings was important to her family. [Regional and/or semi-professional orchestras tend to rehearse in the evenings.]

As I sat next to musicians who had dedicated their careers to pursuing an orchestral career and in the process had not found love and/or started a family, I was reminded of the profound gift that a loving spouse and children were to me. I slowly came to terms with the fact that the path the Lord had directed me to follow was exactly what He had designed for my life. My life is good, actually, very good. I have no regrets.

Playing the flute at a church in Rwanda - Summer, 2024

Around the time we moved our family to Missouri (2021), I remember thinking about how long it had been since I had played in a symphony, even as a sub. I felt so out of shape with my flute playing. I would go weeks and weeks without even taking out my flute to play. Yet, I longed to play in a symphony again. I remember specifically praying prayers along the lines of, “Lord, I would love to play principal flute in a symphony again, but I don’t think there’s any way I could win that type of position again. I’m just too out of shape as a player and don’t know if I have the time or will power to start practicing 3 - 4 hours a day to get back into audition shape. Lord, I think I would need someone to hand me that principal flute position.”

Little did I know, I was about to connect with a local community symphony orchestra. And, after I began to play piccolo on some concerts, the principal flutist asked me to sub principal for her for a concert cycle because she was vacationing for a few weeks during that time. I was excited! Not only that, but the pieces we would be performing were the two exact ones I had recently told the Lord that I wished I could play principal on again (Capriccio Espagnol and Carmen Suites 1 & 2). The exact ones! (You can’t make this stuff up.)

Not long after that, my flute friend asked me to play principal for her regularly. She wanted to move to 2nd flute / Piccolo because she planned to travel more and needed less responsibility in the orchestra.

So, my prayer was answered quite literally: I was given the principal flute position of a symphony orchestra. What a blessing!

This whole process illustrated to me how much the Lord still championed my playing. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” {Ps. 37:4)

Improvising with band at Enthrone Chicago outreach (August 2021)

Here are some wisdom nuggets I’ve learned on this “professional to not-so-professional” music journey along the way:

• Investing in the lives of my students has been more rewarding than nailing that famous 10 second solo in front of a crowd of hundreds. Although that orchestral moment of glory makes me feel like a conquering hero, it’s fleeting.  Seeing my students grow up to love God and love music? That brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

• Be okay when someone compares my flute playing to their 6th grade niece. Smile. They mean well and humility is good for the soul.

• Accept compliments with a simple, “Thank you!” Don’t deflect them. Later, when no one is around, cast those accolades to the One who gave you the gift and opportunities. 

• Losing an audition (or a dozen) does not make your life a failure. Use the experience as fuel for the next mountain God is calling you to take, whether that is related to music or something else.

• Don’t dismiss non-professional opportunities to play your instrument or sing. Sometimes playing with folks who are only doing it for the love of playing/singing is good for our souls. We need to be reminded that music is a gift that is meant to be shared.

• Maintain an eternal perspective. Early in my career, I had the honor to teach a woman who was in her 70s at a local university. She was a retired professor whose main goal was to make heaven’s intermediate orchestra when she died. She did NOT want to walk through those Pearly Gates and be assigned a position in the beginner orchestra. Yes, she was completely serious. So, she chose to take lessons, practice hard, and play in her local church orchestra. Her words made me chuckle, but they also marked me. Am I living my life with an eternal perspective? 

• God is sovereign. That statement should both sober us and give us peace. I have seen the favor of God open doors for me in my professional life and I have seen the doors stay shut. One time I remember praying and asking the Lord to open some doors for me and I heard Him whisper, “No. You are  not ready.” It was during a season when I had not been playing regularly. I discerned in that moment that the closed doors were actually protecting my professional reputation. I needed to “study and show [myself] approved.”  (2 Tim. 2:150 Similarly, there have been times when I “felt” a gig was coming my way and I had an urge to begin to practice again. Low and behold, within the next month or so, the gig(s) appeared out of the blue. Thankfully, I had taken the time to play in advance so I did not feel unprepared.

• It’s okay to diversify. For a long time, I did not want to teach voice lessons because I didn’t feel like I had enough training to do so. I slowly realized that people were asking me for lessons because they felt like I could help them on their musical journey. They saw something in my worship leading that inspired them. Although there were (and are) aspects to vocal pedagogy I am not even close to being an expert on, I can teach what I know and glean from those who are the vocal experts in my life. And when my students surpass where I can take them, I hand them off to others whose expertise is what they need to take them to the next level.

  
  

• As university or conservatory-trained musicians, I think we can easily dismiss opportunities because we don’t think we’re worthy, or gifted enough, or trained enough. (I think it’s one of the reasons I never released an album until my mid 40s. I was convinced no one would want to hear me sing or play my flute.) Record that album. Start that youtube channel. Stop worrying about what “they” will think. “They” are not even thinking about you, they’re worrying about their own insecurity issues. 

• It’s okay to take a break from making music and doing something else. There is no shame in that. Although making music brings life to our souls, the business side of music doesn’t. If you need to find something that makes more money for your family, that’s okay. If you’re tired of teaching or playing in ensembles, that is normal. Take a break. Shift the career. You’ll know when It’s the right time to include music once again in your lifestyle.

• Gift your music for free to those who don’t normally get to hear it. Take it into a nursing home, share it with some elementary school kiddos, play/worship on a street corner. Once again, music is meant to be shared. You never know the hope your melodies inspire in the hearts of those around you. I think we can all agree that our world needs more hope.

To conclude, I’ll use J.S. Bach’s famous words, “The aim and final end of all music is none other than the glory of God and the refreshment of the soul.” 

Make music. Glorify God. Refresh souls. Repeat.

Amen and amen. 

Improvising at the Civil Righteousness Conference - February 2020